by Laura Purdy

Since Cheryl and Phillip Grubb never have less than six kids--a combination of biological, adopted, and foster--in the house, I expected to walk through the door and get swept up in a miniature circus. After all, my house had always been that way during the summer, and there were only three of us around to stir up trouble. The utter quiet that I encountered hit me like a wave. If Cheryl had not mentioned their presence in the house, I would have assumed the children were away with a sitter. Their good behavior went unstated and understood. So the Grubbs and I were able to launch into an uninterrupted conversation on their foster parenting career, and my admiration for the couple grew with each passing moment.

Like many foster parents, Cheryl came from a family rooted in foster care. Her aunt has been a foster parent for over two decades, and her sister currently raises three foster children and four adopted children. Yet, Cheryl was unenthusiastic about having children of her own. She had experience caring for her two stepchildren, but she was not ready to commit to parenting a foster child. So Phillip took the first steps in the foster care process without her. Phillip disclosed, "She said we could do it, but I had to do everything. I was the advocate." But when the time came to care for their first foster child, Cheryl took the reins.

Cheryl stayed home with their first little girl and felt the loss of a daughter when she returned to her home two years later. In those first two years, she discovered her capacity for motherhood. "The biggest reason that people will not become foster parents is the fear of attachment," she admitted, but the lengthy process of returning a foster child to the original home gives foster parents time to adjust. Though they struggled with letting their first child go, it made them realize that they do not replace the biological parents. They took comfort in knowing they had loved her and given her a good home. Twenty-six foster children later, they have learned just about all there is to know about the system.

Both Cheryl and Phillip attest to the value of foster care training. These seminars give foster parents a venue for exchanging ideas and relating to similar experiences. The Grubbs learned many of their parenting techniques in these small group seminars. The most impressive seminar the Grubbs ever attended put a spin on a board game. The game put foster parents in the place of the foster child, and the goal was to make it home.

The exercise began as a game and ended as a life lesson. Cheryl clarified, "It got so frustrating to the point that we didn't even care if we got home or not. That's exactly the way these kids are feeling. They are working so hard, and they feel like they are doing the best they can, and then a lot of them just give up." Phillip believes that every foster parent and social worker should undergo this training, as it gives one perspective on the children's feelings. His primary goal is to make sure his foster kids feel loved and safe.

The Grubbs have adopted two of their foster children and have a steady stream of two to four foster kids to care for at all times, along with Phillip's biological children. Both parents were quick to mention that they treat every child as their own. Cheryl expounded, "When we walk into church or a restaurant with seven or eight kids, people ask if they are all ours, and we say yes. We do not show any difference among all our kids." They feed and clothe each child and take care of the necessities, but they go much further than basic needs. All of their kids are involved in sports or cheerleading. They are encouraged to try anything that appeals to their interests. Beyond that, several of their foster children have dealt with developmental or mental disabilities, abuse, and neglect, and the Grubbs have given them the medical and emotional care they need.

At this point in the conversation, Cheryl called a little girl from the kitchen. She related the story that this thriving little girl came to the home barely able to speak or walk unaided. Within the nurturing environment the Grubbs provided, she grew physically and intellectually to a normal level. Only two months into her stay, she was hospitalized for surgery, and Phillip only left her bedside to work and transport the other children to and from school. Phillip asked the little girl, whom they recently adopted, "What does Daddy always tell you?" They recited together, "God sent me an angel and her name was ___."

The Grubbs have dealt with countless obstacles, which only makes their successes more valuable. They have had a couple kids leave them because they could not forge a connection with the child. At first they felt like failures, but they realized that "some of the kids have just been through so much that it is hard for them to turn around." It is this loving, respectful, understanding stance that keeps Phillip and Cheryl on the top of the foster care referral list.

Six years after their first foster child entered their home, the Grubbs are going strong. They are hoping to find a bigger home to accommodate more foster and adopted children, and they keep in contact with many of their former "kids." Cheryl has become a team leader, and she takes her laid back approach to parenting and advocacy for a nurturing environment to her trainings. She reminds parents to apply a sense of humor, compromise and a lot of love to their parenting techniques. The Grubbs hope to continue foster parenting well into the future, and their example in training and recruitment has convinced countless others to join them in providing good homes for foster children.